Lost In My Head
Updated: Jul 20, 2020
Have you ever wondered what goes on in a person's mind? Well, I am here today to share with you what goes on in my head.
In 2010, I came to America for school. I became the person I am today because I came to America. In the last ten years, I have became an independent woman. I love being the independent woman I am today but I have always felt so lonely. Junior year of high school, my twin sister left me to go to another high school. That was the first time I have ever felt so helpless and lonely. I quickly adjusted and made new friends but soon enough, they all left. While we still keep in touch, it is never the same as being there. After I went to college, I had a friend that lived ten minutes from campus. I would visit her and her parents when I felt lonely. They would make me dinner and talk about all the random stuff. Then the tragedy came in 2017, my friend died from a house fire. I felt so lonely again and after that, I would still visit her parents to make sure they are okay. I have always had many friends but I have always felt like I was alone. A lot of people always compliment me on how confident and independent I am. Truth to be told, I am independent but I am far from confident. I don't believe in myself. I don't believe in others. How could I believe in others when I don't even believe in myself so I've always felt alone. My mom always said she feels like I have my walls up. I could never argue that because it is true. I think part of that is probably because my mother has never said she was proud of me. My mom has always said she is always there for me but where was she when I needed her the most? I can't tell her everything because she would just yell at me or I think she will yell at me so I refuse to pour my heart out for her. I have always done okay by myself but when I really needed her the most in college, I was afraid to call her and tell her what was going on in my life. I feel so helpless and lonely.
Back in September, my relationship ended. During the nine months I was with him, I never once felt lonely. I knew I could always count on him. He always asked why I never get jealous when a girl talks to him. I was never jealous because he is the only person who hasn't made me feel lonely in a long time. I believed in him and I trusted him. I was heartbroken when the relationship ended but only a few people knew just how broken I was. I acted like I was fine with the breakup and went on with my life. But truthfully, the past few months since we went our separate ways have been hazy. I joined Orangetheory Fitness because I needed a way to let all my anger and sadness out. I am not a runner but I started running because it took my mind away from all my personal problems. I would just keep running. It was the highlight of my everyday life for about three months and my mom came home. To this day, I am still not okay. I miss him constantly. I miss him when I feel lonely and helpless. I miss him when I blowdry my hair because he used to blowdry my hair for me. I miss him when I make pasta because he, as an Italian, loved the pasta I cook. I would fall asleep and dream about him. I want to text him constantly but how could I? He still loves me and wants to get back together but I can't. Do I want to date him? Of course but how can a relationship work if we are on two different sides of the world. It is now the end of March and I am still hurting.
My mom has always wanted what was best for me and my sister. However, that comes with a lot of pressure. Coming out of college, I had no idea where I want to go. For the first time in my life, I felt lost. I am not qualified for the jobs I want. I didn't know where to go next. Suddenly, I felt so much pressure coming at me. So I did what anyone would probably do. I ran away from that problem and went to Europe for a month. When I came back, the pressure was still there so I just ignored it. Then I moved in with my parents and did nothing for months. Truth to be told, I am still not doing what I would like but at least it is something. In December, I went back to school for a short week and got my license to become a real estate agent. For me, that was some achievement in the middle of my rut. But that still wasn't enough for my mom. She started pounding me again. She said if you can't get a job, fine. But I need to lose weight and start thinking about graduate school. I did what I was told. I started thinking about what I would study in graduate school. However, my mom wasn't happy with anything I come up with. So I stopped. I went back into the rut I was in before.
Lost in my head
To most of my friends, I am always the happy person. I always seem like nothing can bring me down. But truthfully, everyone has their baggage and their insecurities so be kind to one another. You will never know what is killing them inside.